The red delicious is a terrible, terrible apple.

I grew up thinking that apples suck. Why? Because for some ungodly reason, the red delicious was the only variety I ever tasted.

Mushy. Overly sweet. Bitter skin. And almost always, a brown bruise under the surface. Why does the red delicious even exist? And why the fuck does it have the word “delicious” in its fucking name?

Especially upsetting for me — as someone who avoided apples for years and years — is that nearly every other variety of apple is better. Way better. Braeburn. Fuji. Gala (my favorite). Even Granny Smith (especially when used properly in pies or candy apples). Tart, crisp, juicy, and crunchy. THAT’S what apples are supposed to be.

I propose that all orchards of red delicious apples be chopped down immediately, the trees and rotting fruit composted to make fertilizer for apples that actually make a positive contribution to the American fruit experience.

That is all.


UPDATE: For more thoughts on apples, check out Ying-sun’s Apples to Apples series, right here on the Dialectic website.